What not to play at an 80s party

Cheesy 80's Pop is a good thing but the music charts of the 1980s also contained a ton of very poor pop, some of which has made our what not to play at a 80s party list. Also some of the sickly stuff like Kylie and Jason's especially for you or Glenn Medeiros nothings going to change my love, has dated terribly, and it should be in my what not to play list. However in the 80's these records were often used as Wedding first dance records, and these records often hold special memories for people, and as such I can not included them. Other really, really naff stuff, like Aggado, stars on 45, and charity records also escape because these tunes were "of the moment" and at the time were just a bit of fun, designed to get people on the dance floor. Charity records were in reaction to an emergency and a way to motivate people to make a contribution to a good cause. The cause is good even if the record is rubbish. For me the worst music is always gong to be the novelty record. These records may tell a funny story that's not so funny after hearing it for the tenth time. These are records a DJ has to waste money on, and after a week or two will get on every ones nerves, novelty records make up most of my worst of the 80s selection. I do include a couple of stars on 45 spin offs because these tunes overworked the formula and I think there are limits.

I hope not to offend anyone who may be mad enough to like any of these tunes, so I have given my reasons why each record is on my "What not to play at a 80's party list." In no particular order here is my list of tunes an 80's music DJ should avoid.

Laurie Anderson's - O superman

This was a very strange mix of talking and not much music, I could never understand why this tune got so high in the charts. I think it was a number two but it was really boring.

The Brat - Chalk dust

In reaction to one of John Mcenroe's famous tennis tantrums he saw "Chalk dust" "I cant believe it either"

Joe Dolce - Shut up your Face

I could be wrong but I think this was one of the two records that kept Vienna by Ultrovox from hitting the top spot. The other was by John Lennon.

The Tweets - Birdie song

Grans of the world unite. When this record was in the charts (about 1981) It was a sure fire floor filling smash for the 70 something's, so if you book me for your 100th birthday party I will be sure to bring it with me.

Paul McCartney - Frog song

Was this also called we all stand together, no sit down, lie down and fall asleep to this one. In any case its terrible.

Spitting image - Chicken song

Really this should be excused on the grounds its simply highlighting the fact that

• Novelty records are Rubbish
• Novelty records take five minutes to make, and are pointless beyond the fact they exploit the record buying public
• People who buy them are stupid

Yes I did buy this record, the extended 12 inch with a remix on the b side. However at the time it was number one in the charts I remember getting a request for it, and it caused a dance floor walk off.

Black Lace - Superman (however I liked aggado and at kids parties we sometimes play do the conga)

I always thought aggado was quite a catchy tune its got simply, cherie lyrics, Super man on the other hand is slow and boring with a silly boring party dance routine, it will work well on that 100th birthday party if nobody wants to dance.

Minder - What are we gonna get er indoors

Forget singing the theme tune, Arthur and Terry should have also stayed indoors, this was a very lame Christmas record, in an attempt to cash in the huge success of 80's tv show Minder. Er indoors would not have been happy to get this festive flop from Gorge Cole and Dennis Waterman for Christmas.

The Firm - Arthur Daleys (e's alright)

This novelty record played on the popularity of TV show Minder which was a massive hit for ITV in the early to mid 80's. The gullible record buying public deserves no mercy, to let this get into the charts, we must have been minder mad.

The Firm Star - Trekking

Building on their earlier classic works Star trekkin, I think got to number One in the charts in. Based on the brilliant star trek series, this may have been a party record, but not as we know it.

st Winifreds school choir - There's no one quite like Grandma

Perhaps they where trying to kill her off by boring her to death, sick bag on stand by, Sorry Gran that 100th we mentioned, I'll do it then and not before.

Wonder Dog - Ruff mix

Terrible, terrible naff record, I think some record producer discovered how to add samples to a backing track and the sample he choose was that of a dog barking to the beat. From memory, I think Simon Cowell had something to do with this right rough mix. We must have been barking mad to buy this one. As bad as what the dog turns his dinner into.

Rory Bremner - N-n-n-n-nineteen Not Out

This was a tune I steered clear and I don't think I bought this, so I cant really remember it that well. However it was a spoof of Paul Hardcastles 19 and was something about cricket. For that 100th birthday party we can adapt it a bit N-n-n-n-n-Ninety Nine Not out.

Morris minor and the mg's - Stutter rap

Very politically incorrect comedy record, a spoof of the VW badge wearing Beastie boys, I think comedian Tony Hawks was involved in this one.

Roland rat - Rat Rap

Saved TV am but this didn't stop him punishing us by making several songs, can only remember this one.

Kenny Everate - Snot rap

Kenny was great, very funny and at the time I may even have like this tune(for about 5 minutes)

Harry Enfield - Loads of money

Look at my wad, at the time I loved the Loads of money character, but now regret making Mr Enfield's wad that bit bigger by handing over some dosh for this load of old tosh.

Fred Wedlock - Oldest swinger in town

At the time not even the old folk liked this one, I did a bowling club party back in about 1982, and everyone seemed to me to be of very senior years, they were dancing to some disco music when, for the sake of variety played this. Some bloke of about 75 came over and threaten to punch me in the face if I took the micky again.

Keith Harris plus Orville - Orville's song

Yuck. Sorry but Orville defiantly laid an Egg.

Toy dolls - Nellie the elephant

I have a recollection the Toy dolls were a punk band, and just made this to pay the bills. If that was the case then good luck to them. It worked for about two weeks before the shine of novelty wore thin and this tune would never work in an 80's party today.

Mc mike - Holiday rap

Holiday was a good enough tune, if it needed a rap in it Mike should ave given the mic back to Madonna.

Vanessa paridis - Joe le taxi

Sickly, syrup sort of song. Not a Wedding one so its on the rubbish records of the 80s list. It scores extra minus points because at the time I liked it, and quite often I caught myself humming the darn thing. I am ashamed of myself.

Pump up the bitter - Stars on 45 (pints)

Like most of these records I would have bought it at the time but never actually played it so I cant remembered much about it, except it was a spoof of the novelty format stars on 45. I know Chas and dave also did a similar spoof ie stars over 45 which I haven't included, but Chas and Dave have never taken themselves seriously, and are just out to enjoy themselves and so should we. Pump up the bitter however was a play on a 1987 Number one record M.A.RS pump up the volume which it self started life as the B side to the far superior Cybils My Love is guaranteed. Also it was released about 5 or 6 years after the stars on 45 series and was no longer relevant. Its a worn out spoof of a b side, the bottom of the beer barrel has been scraped clean.

Happy talk - Captain Sensible

Originally a tune from south pacific Happy talk was a number one back in about 1982. Captain sensible was Formerly the drummer from the Dammed. Maybe he was doing his own thing, making a few quid and the joke was on us. I remember this tune entered the charts at around 33, and radio one DJ Dave Lee Travis said how much he loved it, and next week it was at number one. No 70's punk rocker should ever have been reduced to this, playing Rogers and Hamerstein and getting recommended by DLT. However Happy talk might sound ok as a ring tone.

Neil hole in my shoe

Young ones, great. Soppy Neil as a singer sorry no. I can excuse him and rest of the young ones gang doing Living doll with Sir Cliff, because it was for Charity (imaging Smashy and Nicey saying that). But Hole in My shoe and the follow up single which was something about a white bicycle, was just an attempt to trade in on the stupid record buying public insatiable demand for novelty records.

Camouflage Stan Ridgway

I am not sure if this was really for real. Strangely this tune worked in so many ways, catchy and with reasonable production however it was just the odd subject matter that I didn't understand, A marine caught in a barrage saved by a solider called camouflage. Odd.

Anita Dobson - Any one can fall in love

She may be married to that PHD Star gazing guitarist from Queen but Angie should have stayed behind the bar at the Queen Vic and never dreamt of doing the the eastenders theme to music. Any one can fall in Love well Den didn't think that way.

Lulu - shout 1986

The original 1965 lulu recording of this record which was made when she was about 15 years old is a masterpiece. In 1986 someone said lets re-record shout and jazz it up a bit, 80's style. Its Naff, Lame and made the original unplayable for about 5 years.

Frankie goes to hollywood - Rage hard

Its only on this list because My local record shop actually gave away copies of this record to help it chart. After the unbelievable success of their previous work it was a desperate attempt to stop the evitable fall into chart obscurity. If they didn't manage to get all the way to Hollywood, Frankie should have gone home gracefully.

Royal Philharmonic Orchestra - Hooked on classics

A load of classical music samples were strung together with a backing drumbeat to jazz it up. I remember this being played on top of the pops, Teenagers bopping around to the sounds of Mozart and Beethoven etc is just not right. I often tune in to classic radio on a long drive home from giggs so I am not saying classical music is rubbish. But its wrong to give it the stars on 45 treatment. Some people might have thought It would help bring classical music to the record buying masses but instead it was pants. You had to be Brahms and Liszt to dance to this one.

Jive Bunny - Every thing by Jive Bunny

Stars on 45 rip off merchants. However I have some medley type records that predate stars on 45 so I am sure this format will some be back in vogue and in the charts.

I also thought to include Lobo in my worst 80's music list but didn't however I thought I would mention it, just in case you thought I missed it. For those who don't know Lobo made another stars on 45 style track this time with the sounds of the Caribbean. I think however it works, I haven't played it for many years but if I had it with me and if a record like Hot, hot, hot worked well then this tune could well end up on my play list for the night.

Other naff records sometimes include charity records, often these records might be rubbish but the are well meant so are not in this list. There was an explosion of charity records in the 80's which was started by Band Aid. Everyone was recording for any charity they could because it was the in thing to do. My sister who worked for an employment agency and my brother in law who worked for John Lewis where invited to sing on the song Wishing well for Great Ormond street Hospital. They were invited by their friend Ray who was producing the record and wanted numbers to fill up the back row in the photos. I am not 100% sure this story is correct and in the end they did not sing on the record but some years later they told me the same friend had come back from America where he had acquired some film of an alien autopsy. There was an an elaborate cover story involving the president, the CIA and a Wedding. It seems bizarre now but because my sister believed the story so did I, and I told many others who in turn believed it. Did you see that film with Ant and Dec?

Pro Mobile Disco will avoid the worst tunes of the 1980s and play just the top pop for a great 80's Music party.